


You left us alone

by KitaraSPN



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Destruction, Emotional Hurt, Family Loss, Frustrated Dean Winchester, Frustration, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loss, Loss of Parent(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27575642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitaraSPN/pseuds/KitaraSPN
Summary: Inspired by episode 2.02 „Everybody Loves a Clown“Last scene when Dean starts hitting the Impala with a crowbarScene suggested in a little Twitter survey I made.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	You left us alone

The backyard of Singer Auto Salvage in Sioux Falls was dusty, hot and silent. The only sound was the clinking of metal tools and the occasional crunching sound of gravel under Dean Winchester's boots. He had work to do. His dad's '67 Chevy Impala – Dean's Impala – had been crushed in the accident that injured his dad and his little brother Sam. The accident that had in a way killed him, until John Winchester had decided that this was not acceptable and had exchanged his life for that of his son. So Dean did, what he always did – his job. He had accepted that his dad had died, that he lived and that Sam suddenly acted like his dad. It didn't matter. They had to find the yellow-eyed demon and kill him. And for that they needed a car – they needed this car. So Dean had stayed busy repairing the Impala, which in this case was close to rebuilding it from scratch. But here on the yard of Singer Auto Salvage, the home of Bobby Singer, he had space, quiet and all the spare parts he needed.

While Dean just tightened the screws on one of the wheels, he heard footsteps coming closer. He didn't even have to look up to know that it was Sam. He would recognize these steps everywhere. When his brother was next to him, he looked up and it was obvious that Sam had something on his mind.  
“You were right.”  
“About what?” Dean asked while getting up and walking past his brother to continue working.  
“About me and dad.”  
Dean looked at his brother and hesitated. They had had that fight where Sam had told Dean that he was not dealing with their father's death. And Dean had told Sam to stop trying to act like their dad or to try and be son of the year. And now Sam told him he had been right? About what? And how?  
“I'm sorry that the last time I was with him I tried to pick a fight.”  
Dean slowed down and decided to stop working. Now that he really looked at Sam he could see this was really bothering him. And even if he preferred not to talk about his feelings, he was always willing to listen to his little brother.  
“I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. … I mean for all I know he died, thinking that I hate him.”  
 _Oh Sammy, you have no idea. He new better. And even if he thought you hated him, he never cared. He loved you, no matter how much you were fighting. He always did._  
“So you're right. … What I'm doing right now, it is too little … It's too late...”  
Dean saw how Sam's eyes started to glisten, but he let him talk. Whatever he needed to get off his chest, Dean would listen, but he could not say anything in return.  
“I miss him, man.”  
This one hit a nerve. Dean could see how much his brother was hurting, but he did not know how to make it easier.  
“And I feel guilty as hell.”  
 _You feel guilty?_  
“And I'm not alright. … Not at all.”  
Dean wanted to hug his brother, to do something to make it better. But there was nothing he could do. This was nothing you could just fix with a band aid and some stitches.  
“But neither are you. … That much I know.”  
There it was. This was why Sam was telling him all this. He was opening up to him so that Dean would pour out his heart in return. And this time, he did not even ask if he was okay, he simply stated the fact that he knew he was not. But all Dean could do was look at him. It was like his mouth was sealed by a spell, he just could not say a word.  
“I'll let you get back to work.”  
The disappointment on Sam's face was obvious. His brother had hoped so much that he would open up, that he would admit how he felt.  
 _I'm sorry, Sammy. I can't. It's just too much. You wouldn't understand and it would only make you feel worse._  
Sam turned around and walked away. For a second Dean's eyes followed him, before he tried to focus on his work again. But he could only think of his dad.  
 _This is what you left behind. Sam's hurting. Because of you. Because you quit. Because you just walked away._  
He saw a crowbar and grabbed it, without thinking about it.  
 _You're his dad. It was your job to be here for him. But you just left. You walked out on your family!_  
Suddenly he swung the crowbar and smashed it into the window of an old rusty car next to him. The shattering sound ripped through the silence and echoed in Dean's head when he turned around again. Suddenly his eyes fell on the Impala. The wrecked embodiment of the accident, of all that happened. The car his dad had handed down to him, just like he had now handed down all responsibility for Sam. And suddenly it was like this car did not just represent his dad, it was his dad.  
 _You walked out on your family! On Sam! On me! Did it ever cross your mind that I need you, too? But you left us alone! And you gave away our only weapon! How am I supposed to kill the demon now? How am I supposed to do my job? How am I supposed to take care of Sammy? How am I supposed to do that all alone?_  
Suddenly it felt like his fingers were vibrating. All the adrenaline in his body seem to rush through his arms into his hands and before he knew it, he had raised the crowbar and let it crush down on the trunk of the Impala with the weight of all his guilt and pain and fear.  
 _You always did that! You always left me behind with a job to do! It was always just need to know! I always had to get it done no matter how little information you gave me! I always followed you! I always trusted you! I trusted you! Because you're my dad!_  
Once again the crowbar crushed down on the Impala, deepening the dent it had just created.  
 _And now you left again! You didn't prepare me for this! You didn't leave me any instructions! You didn't tell me what to do! I don't know what to do!_  
The crowbar hit the trunk again and Dean felt the walls around him crumble. He raised his arms once more and put all his emotions into the next hit and did it again and again and could not stop himself.  
 _I always did what you asked me to do! I risked my life because you told me to! I killed monsters because you told me to! I followed you everywhere and stayed behind when you told me to! I trusted you! I trusted you to tell me what I need to know! I trusted you to come back! But you're not coming back! You're never coming back! You left us alone! You left me alone with a job I can't get done! I needed the Colt and you took it away! I needed you to tell me what to do! You always did! The only thing you never had to tell me was to take care of Sammy! But now I can't even do that anymore! This pain that you caused, I can't make that go away! I can't protect Sammy from it! You did that to him! You make me fail!_  
 _I always protected Sammy! I always took care of him! And the last thing you asked me to do is to abandon the one thing I always knew I had to do! The last thing you tell me is to go against everything you ever expected from me! The last instruction I get from you is to kill my little brother! I can't do that! You know I can't! You put me up for failure and you knew it! It's not fair! None of this is fair! You leave me alone with my hurting brother, with an impossible job, and with all this weight on my shoulder! I never wanted this! I never wanted you to die for me! I never wanted you to die! …. Why didn't you just let me go?_  
His arms were heavy and his hands were shaking. He had lost count of how many times the crowbar had hit the same spot on the trunk of the Impala. The small dent had turned into a tear in the metal. An ugly hole just like the one inside of himself. Now that he had let out all his anger, pain, fear and frustration Dean just felt empty and numb. He looked up and saw Bobby's house. Somewhere inside there was his little brother who needed him more than ever before.  
 _I'm sorry Sammy. I know I should be better than this. I know you need me to be there for you. And I want to. But … I don't know how._


End file.
